I want you to want me(Or at least like me. Please?)

Growing up, I was not the most, shall we say, graceful. I had big awkward glasses, braces, and the wrong fashion sense. We all go through old pictures and cringe, right? I do that often and think to myself "My goodness, Christina. What the heck were you thinking?" But I also look at a girl who was different. Not so sure of herself. Shy(well, I still am). Quiet(Yep. Still am.). Scared(HA! Part of me still is.). But the one thing that stands out is the girl who thought so low of herself.

As a teenager, I went through a rough time of having low self esteem. I felt like no one liked me, and the ones that did, I didn't really give them a chance. I tried SO HARD to fit in with the supposed "IN" crowd at school. I tried to be something I wasn't. (Think for 2 seconds- can you imagine me as a "skater" back in 1998? Hard to imagine? Yep, b/c it wasn't supposed to be!) I tried to be a person that I wasn't. And in that came people who backstabbed me. Boy was I a mess. I guess I was screaming on the inside saying "WHO AM I!!!!" To make it worse, a girl that I thought was my good friend told me that she was only hanging out with me b/c she felt sorry for me. You may as well have taken me to a recycling center where they crush everything down to where it's as flat as a board, b/c that's what I felt like was happening to me.
I can't tell you exactly when it happened, but my healing may have started around 8th or 9th grade. I was at an overnight youth group event, probably the 30 hour famine. A girl I knew came up to me and just started praying for me- she hugged me for a long time and said "God wants you to know that He thinks you are so beautiful." I don't remember what else she said, but those words have always stayed with me. I cried like a 2 year old. I'm even tearing up as I type this. I was never the same after that. Obviously, I still struggle sometimes, but finding your self worth is priceless. I think it takes really knowing who you are and being just that. To be honest, it's an everyday struggle. There are times when I want to burst out in song, but don't b/c of the people I'm around. But then it comes to the point of who gives a crap! And there is something else that lies within this story.
FRIENDS.
They always say that things get better over time, right? I do believe that. For years, I felt like I didn't have friends. Probably not until I was in high school did I finally feel like I was getting somewhere. I have always loved having friends, but I don't think it was until I was in my mid twenties(crap, did I just admit that I'm in my late twenties?), that I realized the value of friendship. I am one of those people who pours myself into friendships. My friends are like extended family to me, so I feel like you have to be there through thick and thin. But sometimes, I just feel like I'm worn. Like I give myself and don't get recognition. (I'm not looking to be placed on a pedestal, but you get me?) Let me tell you a story:
A few months ago I went out to dinner with my friend. We'll call her J. We're talking and I don't remember how we got on the subject, but she said something to the effect of "I have to tell you something!" She went on to tell me that she had a dream. In this dream, she was being chased around her apartment complex by men in black. (Hehe! Men in Black!) She was scared, so she finally called 911 and an "ambulance" came, but it was the men in black again, tricking her and trying to shoot at her. Eventually the real ambulance came. The paramedic was helping her out and then, all of a sudden, there I was! I kept telling her "It's ok, J! It's ok!" We started to drive away and she was a hysterical mess. I pulled down the mirror and said "J! Look! You're still beautiful!" She then stopped and said "You're right! I am!" (Which is TOTALLY something J would say in real life!) She said that she couldn't figure out the dream for the life of her, so she finally decided to ask someone that was able to interpret dreams. This person simply asked her "Is she your friend?" "Well yeah!", J answered. The person said "Well. I would said that it means she's a good friend." J said she started to think about and it was then that she really truly realized that I was. J's older sister is my BFF. I won't go into detail, but she went back through the years and saw how I was always there for A(who is my BFF), NO MATTER WHAT, even when I wanted to punch her in the face. She also said that she realized that I'm the kind of friend who you may not always talk to, but you always know that I'll be there should you need something.
Can I tell you something? I cried. A lot. Right there in the restaurant. B/c it was something that GOD HIMSELF said. Like I said before, I pour myself into friendships. Sometimes, you just need to hear it. YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND. I APPRECIATE YOU.
Maybe it lies in the self esteem thing, but when people tell me something like that, it practically brings me to tears. I don't always let them out, but I'm telling you, I'm feeling it on the inside. For a long time, I just wanted to be liked for who I was and told it too. I can finally say that I have been blessed by none other than God to have friends that I can call ACTUAL FRIENDS and who actually take the time to say "You're a good friend. I love you. Thank you." and so on and so forth.
I know I said a lot and was all over the place, but I think my point is that: You have to get to the point where you don't care any more. It's hard, but you have to get that inner healing. You just have to be yourself. The people that stick around are the ones that matter and they will let you know that they love you, through words and actions. Friends are hard to come by, so let it be about quality and not quantity.
Ok, I hope that made some kind of sense. I told myself I would get to bed early, so good night!